You're Getting Very Sleepy

Until I’m six feet under
Baby I don’t need a bed
Gonna live while I’m alive
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
- Bon Jovi

If I don’t get some sleep
I’m going to die and/or kill someone
- Clear Plastic Bag

My sister and brother-in-law bought a condo just one street over from Austin’s famed bar-lined Sixth Street. Very hip. Very cool. Very loud. It wasn’t so much the shouting of drunken revelers at midnight, but the 3 a.m. “bottle toss” that put a big, sleepless damper on their real estate acquisition. Their building is separated from Sixth Street by an alley running in the back of the bars lining the street, and at about 3 a.m. every morning, a trash truck runs down that alley. Thousands of empty bottles are tossed into the truck as it stops at each and every bar’s dumpster, every breaking bottle resulting in sleepless nights and splitting headaches. I was determined to solve the problem, and with a little research discovered the Marpac White Noise Machine Sleep Mate Sound Screen 980 Dual Speed Sound Conditioner.

This thing is miraculous. With a sort of whirring, whooshing air sound it drowns out any irritating noises around you. Unlike sound machines that produce rain sounds or maybe ocean sounds, you don’t focus on the sound, rather, it just seamlessly blends into your consciousness and before you know it you’re unconscious, drooling into your pillow. Moreover, unlike earplugs, it also lets you hear any important sounds you would want to hear.

After using it at their condo, I became addicted and now bring one with me when I travel. For rooms on the busy street side, hotels undergoing renovations, new travel companions whose charms do not include their snoring, or for rooms with “honeymooners” just one thin wall away, the Marpac can save a trip from sleepless disaster. The machine is just 3.25 inch high and 5.75 inches in diameter, and while the company says it weighs 1.6 pounds, it feels much lighter than that. Or maybe that’s just me, light on my toes after a restful night sleep. In any event, it tucks conveniently into a suitcase or overnight bag.

Thanks for the fist-pumping, rock ‘n roll anthem, Jon, but I’ll sleep when I turn on my Marpac White Noise Machine Sleep Mate Sound Screen 980 Dual Speed Sound Conditioner.

-- Clear Plastic Bag